Watched House of Flying Daggers today. I really liked it. There were a lot of really wonderful elements to it, it certainly didn't make my greatest movie of all time list, but it was extremely well done. One of my favorite fights, and I can't even say why, is the one at the beginning, in the brothel.

Tonight I begin marinading my first brisket, tomorrow, I begin cooking it right before I leave for work, then hope Chuck will maintain the fire, at a low enough temperature, to cook it just right over the course of the entire day. I hope that a couple of things make this possible:

1) Not having to open the smoke chamber and let the heated smoke out
2) Not needing to burn at a high temperature

If I'm lucky, it wont be difficult to maintain a low smouldering fire and keeping the smoke inside the main chamber at 200 degrees or just below over the course of an eight hour period. If not, other measures can be taken, and it will at least be a start. If it doesn't work, I'll at least know and I'll be able to try again. I am really hoping that my peculiar luck, when it comes to... well... everything, will step in and what comes out of the smoker will be just perfect. It has happened before, and I wonder how unreasonable it will be to expect it to happen again?

I have Pink Floyd's The Wall, and I will probably watch that tonight with the lights of and the volume cranked up after I get back from taking my old grill to my dad's house with my dad. It really got its fond farewell last week with some brilliant fajitas and stuffed jalapenos as well as some roasted potatos. I got it only a little over two years ago, and it has been a really great learning experience for me. I loved every minute of it. I really need some better bolts for connecting the firebox to the new smoker, the ones they use just feel too thin and weak for my liking, there are also one or two other things that just make me feel like my old smoker came from a supperior company. But this one is really good in a lot of respects, and I absolutely can't wait to put it to really good use. I really hope that it serves me for at least as long as my last one did, though my dad and I will be working to fix it up, and maybe, they'll both get some really good use. Maybe I'll open up a restaurant and serve real BBQ. You never know.

Now that Paper Mario is finished, I can put my heart behind playing Conker's Bad Fur Day, which is an okay game. It's really funny, which is always a boost to a game that is merely okay, and I am really looking forward to more purely because of how creative the whole gameworld is, but overall I don't LOVE playing it so much as I enjoy what I remember from moment to moment about its cut scenes.

I feel like I have a short story in me, so don't be surprised if someday soon you find yourself reading a little piece of fiction here for no apparent reason at all, it's just been knawing at me from the inside out. I just want to write without any particular goal in mind, which sounds like a good idea.

Last night I had a really weird dream that this guy was killing people, he would focus on them and the more they got his attention, the more he would try, as a spider trying to bite them, or as something else. He was very shadowy. To be sure, that was not as weird as the ending. Dreams are full of incomplete stories, as full of them as any writer's desk is full of ideas that never get a second chapter, but what made this story in my head weird was that it had a complete arc to it with an ending. The ending itself is weird, but when you consider what it's like inside of a dream, it's not THAT weird, it is in fact more strange that ther was an ending at all. An alien of the stereotypical Grey variety stepped through the door, and acused the killer of being nothing more than a senseless murderer, and then killed him. I honestly don't know exactly what to think about that. On some levels that bothers me for reasons I can't really explain. Certainly it was a kind of relief. What ceeped me out more were some of the images of him as a spider.

Spiders have always made me feel afraid in a way I could never quite explain. I certainly am not arachnaphobic, and when they are very tiny they just don't seem as scary. But, I really don't like the thought of them on me. I really dont like pictures of them up close in national geographic. And believe me, I REALLY don't like how scary they are in general or that I'm afraid of them. I've certainly never lost my cool over a spider though. I just get chills way down in my core.

I need to rewatch "The Gods Must be Crazy" and the sequels. I loved that movie. I consider it the start of my cullinary life.

Well, last night I got brisket and beef ribs. I'm going to marinade them tonight I think, or tomorrow and then cook them, my first brisket. 8 hours at 200 degrees, then coat it in basting sauce and wrapped in tinfoil and into the oven for 2 hours. Here's hoping that it comes out tender and succulent.

Finished Paper Mario today. Ultimately it's a pretty good game, way too much cut scene in it for my taste, even though the game needs it to keep the combat from getting boring, I just wish there were a better solution. The puzzles are all fetch games, and that just gets boring. It felt better when I was solving real problems in the game instead of playing UPS Mario.

I have The Wall by Pink Floyd. I need to watch it.

***Cake***

* 5 egg whites
* 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
* 1 package yellow cake mix
* 3 egg yolks
* 3/4 cup orange juice
* 1/2 cup vegetable oil
* 1/4 cup frozen orange juice concentrate -- thawed
* 1 teaspoon grated orange peel

***Glaze***

* 2 cups confectioners' sugar
* 3 tablespoons orange juice

Directions:

Heat oven to 325 degrees.

For Cake: Place the egg whites and cream of tartar in a medium bowl.
Beat on high speed until stiff peaks form, about 2-3 minutes.

Place cake mix, egg yolks, orange juice, oil, orange ice concentrate
and orange peel in large bowl. Beat on low speed 1 minute. Stop.
Scrape down sides of bowl with rubber spatula. Increase speed to
medium. Beat 2 minutes. Batter should look well blended.

Turn beaten egg white out on top of batter. fold whites into batter
until mixture is light but well combined. Pour batter into ungreased
10" tube pan, smoothing top.

Bake for 45-50 minutes or until golden brown and top of cake springs
back when lightly pressed with tip of finger. Remove pan from oven and
immediately turn upside down on the neck of a glass bottle to cool for
1 hour. run long, sharp knife around edge of cake. Invert onto wire
rack. then invert again onto serving platter, right side up.

For Glaze: Place confectioners' sugar and orange juice in medium bowl.
Beat on low speed 1 minutes. Spread glaze over top and sides of cake.
Let glaze set for 20 minutes. Slice and serve.

Spent the night at my mom's last night and spent today kicking butt in Paper Mario. I'm almost finished with it, I'll probably beat it tomorrow. George is on his way over right now, when he gets here we're going to the grocery store to buy a brisket and seasoning in order to start smoking it for the next day or so, which should be totally awesome, slow cooked at 200 degrees for 24 hours or so to keep the juices inside till it's falling apart. I am really hoping that it comes out amazing.

I've also been doing a lot of reading lately. L.E. Modesitt Jr. rules.

Long weekend. Started off with spending the night at my mom's house on friday, I let her cut my hair. I like what she did, but I had some ideas that I think would have been much better. It's nice and short now, the heat doesn't bother me as much, I mean, I want long hair, but it's just not worth the pain. We watched a really lousy movie called Trauma, I wanted to watch something else, anything else really, but my mom insisted. It was about a guy who thought he killed his wife in a car accident, and is crazy and starts acting crazier and crazier till he kills some girl pretty much at random for no reason. LOUSY. I hated it. I'm going back tonight, I think alan wants to trade vehicles with me so that he can do some work on the truck, and I can't wait to go, because I left my gamecube there on saturday. So I haven't been able to finish the last 2 or 3 hours(tops) of Paper Mario.

After that I went home, and from home, Justin picked me up, and took me to go help him paint the rest of his house. On the way there we stopped at this really cool place that was pretty much a drive through convenience store inside of a barn that was just cool and funny. I got a 2 liter of Dr Pepper, though I probably should have gotten something healthier to drink. We got so much done, it's insane. They all but finished the bedroom before I got there and got a good start on the living room, but we finished both of those rooms, touched up around the whole house, did the trim, did most of the kitchen, and the cabinets, and they finally did finish on sunday, I think. We didn't stop till after one, and then we went to Cym's family's house, where her mom had made some AWESOME food. Stuffed crabs, greenbean, chicken, and sthrimp stir fry, garlic bread, and some awesome salad. If they keep feeding me like that, I'm going to start looking for things to go up there an help them out with, like mowing their lawn, or whatever. That food rocks, I kept expecting ninja waiters to hop out of the woods with a 30$ check for the food, but none came.

Justin drove me home, and then, I just stayed up all night on the computer. I had some real issues while I was painting, I suddenly got really shaky and had to put my brush down and my stomach got really queasy, and I couldn't stop thinking about that driver bleeding from his ear and looking around with his eyes. I called my dad and talked to him for a really long time till I was feeling much better. I talked to the police today and they wont tell me any information from their report over the phone without buying the report, no biggie, only six dollars, but it's already been 5 days that it's been unavailable, and they want WRITEN consent to get the report, and on top of that it will take 10 - 15 days to get the damn thing. If he's alive, I'll almost be pissed that I did so much worrying over nothing, and I'll kill him.

So then, I went shopping around about 2 on sunday, after eating a REALLY awesome sandwich at quizno's. I used a whole new recipe for fajitas, I'm told my old recipe is better, but I liked the way I cooked this one. So, in the future, I will use my old recipe, and seasonings, and I will soak the full breasts in that, then I will grill them whole, then slice them with the seraded knife. But not next week, next week I'm going to be cooking brisket, because I have a smoker, and so I can.

Going to slow roast it at looooooooow temps for 24 hours with applewood... going to make it nice and delicious and falling apart. Tons of people came, though the whole party ended pretty early, like 8 or so, about half the people showed up late, ate, then left early. Then a few showed up so late, after half the party was gone, while the other half was helping put my new smoker together, and just simply were not entertained enough to stick around. So, I feel it was a mediocre event, I've had much better parties with fewer people and plenty of good music for everyone to listen to, no one put on so much as a single song tonight.

After all of that, and everyone going home, I did some cleaning, then tripped over Sophie after the lights were out and sent her howling into the other half of the apartment. I crashed really early, and I feel like I needed it. I need some more sleep, and I think I'm going to crash early again tonight. For now, I'm going to keep reading the Towers of the Sunset.

Char Grilled Fajitas Marinade:

1/2 c White wine
4 chopped green chiles
2 cloves garlic minced or pressed
Juice of 2 limes
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp cilantro

Serve, and cook even, with all other things you would cook fajitas with and serve with.

I am sore all over, BTW, legs, arms, chest(still), and feet. Even my eyes hurt a little. It almost feels good, and in a way, it really does becaue it means I've been active this weekend, and I like that. I want to be an active person, like I'm constantly moving forward. Oh yeah, guest list for Sunday:

Jake
George
Jackson
Marcia
Marcia's sister(Beth, I think)
Kayla
Mike
Chris Brown
Heather
Zac
Justin
Cymmeron
Dad
Mary Ellen

People who bailed and who are no longer my bestest best friends:

Kevin

Oh, yeah, other minute trivia: Conker: Live and Reloaded is a lot of fun for people who have never played Conker's Bad Fur Day, and for those who have, and loved it, it's better than just replaying the original. I forgot to play the multiplayer while I had friend's over last night.

Special Thanks to those who aided in my efforts to construct my grill:

Zac
Jake
Jackson
George

This post was brought to you by:

The letter D

And remember, cookies are a sometimes food.

Well, it's been a very long week, and I'm feeling pretty good inspite of everything. All that's happening will shape out one way or another and I'll just have to accept what I can't change and work as hard as I can at what I can. It's not the end of the world. It's so odd having to say these words to myself, but it helps. Anyway, tonight I'm spending the night at my mom's house, which won't kill me, I do love her, and Alan is okay too. It's been very nice of them to loan me their truck to get through this time, but I'd like to have my own vehicle as soon as possible, which means dealing with insurance, and waiting till the police report is turned in from the accident.

Some time next week I should get some pretty solid closure to all of this mess. At the very least, in the very worst case scenario, I still KNOW what happened, and how the guy I hit is doing by wednesday. Anyway, I'm going to head to my mothers now, and then, I have some pretty fun plans for sunday.

Well, today is pretty good, I'm sore all over but mostly tired. I'm going to spend the night at my mom's. Tomorrow I get my tooth looked at by another dentist. Life, I guess. I just want to go to sleep, for real.

Well, this weekend was really cool, it started off with ariving in Dallas early, though I got a call from my dad's dentist office and they made an appointment on tuesday, and going to my grandparent's anniversary dinner at an awesome mexican restaurant. The menu was so incredible, I really felt like everything was great and I was actually attracted most to one of the cheapest dishes on the menu, and I was NOT disapointed by how awesome it was. I forget the name but it was 2 rather large spicy chicken burritos, one with cheese sauce covering it evenly, the other with green sauce, and the flavors occassionaly mixed. It was simply delicious, I could eat there again. Followed that up with a REALLY nice flan, that had a really interesting texture, it was like inverted tapioca in that it had many hollows... the texture was very similar but different, and the flavor was outstanding.

After that we cellebrated my birthday and I got the last of my birthday presents, some spices from grandma and grandpa with my birthday card. They are so awesome that words do not even surprise, they have overwhelmed me this birthday. Aunt Karen got me an instant read meat thermometer with a really awesome feature, it has markings on it that let you know when speciffic meats are done, so that you don't have to know that information by heart while you're cooking, she also got me some kababs, which will also get a ton of use, as well as a 20lb bag of charcoal for cooking with, that she almost gave me for christmas till someone pointed out that she would be giving me coal for christmas, and she just couldn't do that, so she waited six months. Saturday was fairly subdued as everyone was out doing their own thing, so I just played on my gamecube and finished reading the Dharma of Star Wars. I liked that book, it really gave me quite a bit to think about, I had never tried to actually understand Buddhism before, and it is quite an appealing philosophy, though it is in no way a religion.

I got my 5th star in Paper Mario, which I am LOVING. Genuine romantic love. There is a reason cds have those holes in the center. I think I have found the love of my life, if only I can find a priest who approves of that, but somehow, I think it would be easier if I were just gay instead of a technophile. Most people look at pornography in the bathroom when they're young, as for me, I always snuck a copy of wired or technology today in with me.

Anyway, the whole day ended up being fairly subdued, a little celebration of father's day, with lots of chatting, my sister came over for a while, and we made plans to see Batman Begins on sunday, which didn't happen, but it was nice making plans. On sunday she got there too late, so we just went and ate at the Rainforest Cafe for her bday, and did some shopping. I got her Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory by Dahl, and The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne.

After all the shopping, we split ways, each of us with our lightning cups and went home. Dad and Mary Ellen got pizza when we got back from Dave's Pizza, which really rocked, until my crown came out while chewing, it had been sticking in my mouth quite well and so I had been leaving it in so that I could eat, and I bit down on it with my real teeth and it shattered like a piece of hard candy. My other teeth didnt even hurt, I only knew because of the crunch that didnt belong in the middle of the pizza. Real teeth rock. and I really can't wait to get a new crown, because i cant even imagine a prosthetic being even close to having a real tooth at the core considering what my real teeth did to that crown.

And then the rest I think I covered yesterday. THe dentist thought they were just going to cement my crown right back in, but crunch crunch gone, and also there was a miscommunication. It was decicded that what happened didnt matter because it was time for a whole new permanent crown to cover my tooth anyway, since my other crown was given to me at 11.

Anyway, George came over last night and we ate at bennigan's, I love it there, and chatted and I'm still driving my mom's truck, which is working fine. I'm going to go have a good day now, and feel better, I'm still pretty horribly sore all over, though less so. People keep telling me this is supposed to get worse. I guess I'll see in a few days. I really hope the other guy is okay. I don't even know who he is, all I can do is call him the other guy. I've made some bad jokes to help cope, please, don't get offended at me, I really don't mean anything I say that's mean.

Well, It's pretty clear by now that I didn't post last night. I had every intention to, I had a very good weekend for the most part, but on my way to my mom's house after work I was in a very serious car accident. I was not hurt but I believe the other driver was, we were both taken to the hospital very quickly and I do not know everything that is going on, except that it is looking like it is the other driver's fault.

I was going down loop 610 west bound and a car was stopped in traffic and pulled across 3 lanes right in front of me, I had no where to swerve and I struck him on the driver's side. He was pretty seriously hurt it looked like, unconcious most of the time, bleeding from his left ear down his neck, not talking, but the medics told me not to worry about it and that he was going to be okay. I was wearing my seatbelt and had managed to slow to about 35 or 45, and so I was able to walk away. Though I went to the hospital anyway to get checked out. The taped me to a board and loaded me up, then drove me as fast as they could to the emergency room and delivered me just like a fedex package. They x-rayed my chest, and checked my pulse and my blood pressure 20 times, and my ekg and everything looked safe and sound, which was really cool, all together the copay for the particular hospital I was at(I understand it's lucky they took me to the one they did) was only 50 for the services and another 20 for some pain medication which I have yet to need. My mom came and picked me up around 10 pm and took me to her house after getting me dinner. I love her so much, and her and her husband Alan let me borrow their truck till my transportation is all sorted out. That's really going to help me stay on my feet.

This morning I took it to go to my dentist appointment, where he gave me a 634$ estimate for a new tooth and told me that my real tooth was in good enough shape and had such excellent work on it that I could eat normally even without a cap till it was fixed. After that I payed 124 to get my stuff out of my car, wrecker fees, it's still in the lot gaining fees for being there. After that, off to work and then, eventually home. At work I spent a lot of time talking to the insurance claims investigator. I hope they find it is that guys fault, so that I can get some real help getting back on my feet. More.. I really hope that guy is okay, I don't often talk about my religion on here, but, I am going to pray for him.

Well, I've been at work since 7 am this morning, I've played on the gamecube and I've read from my book and I watched bits of House of Flying Daggers. On the way to work I got a horrible scare when my crown came off after maybe 10 years on my tooth. It doesn't look very healthy underneath either, and I don't know how much it will cost to fix or what will have to be done about it, and I'm really quite worried. Anyway, I'll be spending this weekend at my grandparents', hopefully. Depends on when my coworker is showing up out here. If he shows up too late, I just miss the ride with my dad to go up there.

Alan should finally be out of all surgery today, after the initial precedure for the pancreaitis, they felt they needed to remove his gall bladder, and so I believe they did that yesterday morning.

Anyway, this tooth thing scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I have enough money to fix it or if I'll have to take a loan. Either way, there's nothing I can do till tuesday next week.

Just found out that I can leave in plenty of time for the weekend, and so, to all of those who I would normally be seeing all weekend long, I'll miss you and I'll see you later.

Got my smoker today, picked it up in the morning, but forgot to buy a cover for it, and had to go back in the evening to pick one up, it cost 40 dollars, which surprised me. Didnt have enough time to put it all together, the day is moving slowly, I need to go to sleep though since I have to be up and at work by 7 am so that I can visit grandparents over the weekend.

Batman Begins begins tonight! It will be on the IMAX, formatted for the IMAX and it will be vunderbar! I think Mike will go, but so far, no one else may be able to, Jackson might too though. And, I have a new grill coming to me, I'm going to make the arangements today to have it picked up by tomorrow. It's a combination of my birthday, christmas and next birthday's present, so this grill is going to be.. quite simply.. amazing. It has a firebox for smoking, ash trays to use it as a direct heat grill, drip pans, thermometer. I haven't seen it yet, but I am seriously stoked. I AM going to give my old grill one last goodbye cookout. It deserves it, it's over 2 years old and it's served me well through countless bbqs, I really love it, and I feel that it's crash the other day is the saddest thing in the world.

Jackson just called and said he can't make it, if Mike can't either, I just wont go. Cest la vi, perhaps another day.

Oh well, and yeah, I did something really stupid last night, if you know me, ask me about it, if you don't, trust me, you don't want to know.

It's been a very long weekend with lots of twists and turns. Started off with hanging out for Zac's birthday, we all went to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which was an awesome movie... George had to watch a totally different showing because he decided to, once again, not show up until the movie was starting, and, in this case, sold out. After the movie we all split ways and went home. While I was at the mall though, I picked up a pair of chinese medicine balls that had elephants on them. My dad loves elephants and it was an unusual patern.

Saturday was a bit of a disaster. It started off well, I met Mike for lunch at 12, and I shopped around the coffee bean emporeum. I really love that place. After that we got back to my apartment, and my dad helped me set up the shelf, which, worked really well, doing a good job of holding everything up. Though, on monday, my parsley died from exposure. I am still hoping it's roots are good and it will grow back though. After that, Mike and I went to Fry's to try and find a Machintosh version of Unreal Tournament 2004, which, no one seemed to have, and we didn't get back till later than we needed to. George had already been there and helped chuck load my grill up into my truck, and then as soon as we could we sped off, me leading the way, turning onto 1960 and spilling my grill out into the road, scratching all the paint, destroying the wheel axel beyond repair, breaking the thermometer, damaging the smoke pipe, breaking the seal and slamming it inside the grill some, breaking off the smoke pipe cover, smashing the handel. We eventually got it to George's house, and it was in just good enough shape to smoke the ribs his dad bought, and I made some pesto with fresh herbs from my garden, along with a strawberry jalapeno dipping sauce for the ribs, which everyone made fun of me for, until they tried it.

No games went on that night, George's network refused to let the third computer play with us, no matter what we did, even after we got Return to Castle Wolfenstein installed on all three computers. We eventually gave up and went home, the grill stayed behind till I picked it up on Monday. The next day Justin had asked all of us if we would go out and help him paint the little delapidated building he will soon be calling home. He can't fix any of the real problems with it, the holes in the floor leading to the outside, the waterdamage on, well, everything, but we were able to get half of it painted nice and white by the end of the day. Before I went out to help, though, I went to visit Alan in the hospital, he has pancreaitis, and is having his surgury on wednesday. Mom got some fuzzy slippers, and some candy, and a card that I wrote some things on that I hoped would make him feel really loved and she let me give those to him while she gave him some other things.

We worked really hard painting, it was the first time I ever did anything like that, by the time I was done my arms were sore. Cym's mom was an awesome cook, she made us a shrimp and lobster salad, with salmon, and served it with some fresh green onions and balsamic vinigar. We talked about cooking and she told me how to make stock, and soup bases, and gave me some really excellent recipes. Then after we were all done painting for the day, we jumped into the water and had a swim, and there was strawberry shortcake waiting for us. The whole thing was extremely fun, and I had a really great day. I would go back and help out more next week, but I will probably be out of town, visiting my grandparents and my sister on her bday.

Monday, I got my grill back, and then George and I caught the 10:20 of Madagascar, which was, by all rights, an awesome movie. I love the lemurs. Today, I don't have a lot of plans, I'm going to see what happens.

Another one of those days where I was way too busy to post the events that transpired over the weekend... I promise to give a full recap at work, first thing in the morning. it's 2 am, I love how blogger gives the west coast time. Anyway... amuse yourselves till tomorrow, one way or another...

Well, I missed my post yesterday. At the expense of a several week period of missing NOTHING, even making a saturday post, in fact, I have faltered. To be fair, I was dead tired after a week of enduring fun and friends till five in the morning. I've written about it all here, and so help me, every minute of it was worth it, but... I was really ready for a break. I slept a long time last night, and I still felt a little short changed. I could use some more tonight, so I'll try to get home fairly fast after meeting Zac for his birthday. I really think that I may do almost nothing this weekend, just for a breather, next weekend should be back to normal for another year, though. Either way, I missed my blog.

Wednesday, was George's birthday, and I have yet to give him a present, though I feel I earned my delay, in that he has not yet gotten me one, and two, I did cook chicken for him on wednesday using more and more fresh ingredients from my garden. Sage is a beautiful flavor, and fresh cayenne pepper really adds something. Everyone liked the chicken, even Mike had good things to say. Chris was unable to make it, and he left yesterday morning to fly to his next post.

1/4 cup paprika
2 tbsp brown sugar
2 tbsp garlic salt
1 tbsp ground mustard
1 tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 tbsp onion powder
2 tbsp ginger powder
1 tbsp minced sage, can be fresh or dried
and, based on your taste... a little bit of cayenne pepper.. 1 1/2 tsp can be good.. but if you dont like hot... go for less.

Sprinkle it onto the chicken... pretty liberally, till it's got a nice coat, get both sides, then cover and refrigerate for 10 minutes to an hour, the longer the better within reason... then cook it till it's done, if you're doing something simple like boneless skinless breasts (best to use skinless meat or to get it under the skin of meat with the skin) you cook it for about 10 to 15 minutes per side, then flip it over and brush it with honey for 3-5 minutes on either side... if you overcook it, it will be a little dry... so use your best judgement, it will still be awesome though.

Next time I make chicken though, I think I'm going to change up the entire recipe and maybe go for a tea leaf rub and use some basil and lemon thyme to give it more of a cultured kick rather than the southwestern touch. Lemon thyme is going to be the theme though, it should match the chicken really well, and I really can't wait to give it a try.

Dad is coming over tomorrow, so we're going to get my herb garden set up where it will get plenty of sunlight, and then we're going to have some ice cream and chat for a while.

Tonight, I will be finding out what is happening for Zac's birthday party. I think he may just want to play Star Wars Galaxies all night long, which, frankly, is fine by me, I can do that from home. The Dharma of Star Wars is turning out to be really good, I am loving it. I really enjoyed the bits about mindfulness most, they made me contemplate how well I focus on the things I am doing, and made me wonder how often I am carelessly damaging something or hurting someone. It made me really want to be more mindful of my actions and strive to be better in all that I do.

Scott has been giving me some good lessons lately about problems, specifically NP-Hard problems and problems of NP-Completeness. It's really fascinating stuff, but given the hectic nature of the week, the lessons have been split up.

Anyway, suffice to say, all my gaming has been put on hold, but tonight I might just be playing Star Wars Galaxies all night with Zac online as he is not going to have internet for a while after tomorrow, so, I say, get the most out of it while you can, after all, it is your birthday!

Anyway... I'm going to cut out saying, I love my herb garden, it is so much deliciousness to use with anything.


As the blood dried on his face, crustin in the gashes across his nose and down his cheeks, the soldier stood firm while the dark man in front of him painted. The yellows and blues and greens mixed with the crusting red of his own blood as the preparation continued. The night was dark, and the only light was the brightness of the torch laying symbolically in the short grass at his feet. Somehow, his own name seemed lost, and he was unable to recall who he was. The dark man spoke words that seemed to transcend language as they floated through the air. There were spirits in this place, in this dark field.

We are what we do, the dark man said, his features made bright by the light of the torch, the whites of his eyes seemed alive amid his mud caked face. He told the soldier that a name is at the very best a reflection of what all living beings find inside of themselves. His lips moved with grace as he told the soldier how when he knew his true self, he would again know his own name. The soldier understood none of these words, and yet the meaning seemed to ring clear through him.

The dark man took up the torch and extinguished it into the earth, blinding the soldier with the sudden absence of light. In less than a moment there was a searing hot pain in his right thigh, in its most sensitive spot close to the hip, the heat and pain spread and his vision began to become spotted before he fell to his knees, the torch removed from his flesh but the pain still so strong as a fever overtook his mind and he passed from conciousness.

Well, last night was pretty stressful, trying to iron out plans, Mike wanted to eat at Outback, and Chris wanted to eat at his house, which is where I ended up eating, but it was stressfull, because Chris also wanted to have the lan party last night. I would have done it for Chris, because he's a good friend and he has to leave on thursday, as stressful,and as much work as it would have been to just start at like eight in the evening, I would have done it. Either way, I still didnt get to sleep till 2:30, which felt early, and I feel great today, but i'm starting to get a headache.

Kevin gave me and George bday presents, and we hung out with Chris till late and I made more orange candy for the party tonight, which should be pretty cool. Anyway, I'm going to go... let my head heal, and I am DEFINITELY going to sleep at 10 tomorrow, if not earlier.

Well, last night, though very rushed, busy, and otherwise totally consuming of myself, was incredible. And please, don't take me at face value when I say I was so busy all night long that it hurt. I love to be busy from time to time, and cooking a meal for all of my friends, and hearing whispers of how good the food is really makes a day for me. How much do I love it? Let me count the ways, in order of appearance(to the best of my memory):

1)Jake
2)George
3)Jackson
4)Kevin
After this it gets a lot fuzzy:
5)Marcia
6)Tera
7)Kayla
8)Teruwah
9)Chris
10)Steve
11)Dad
12)Mary Ellen
13)Zac
14)Mike
15)Justin

Started off the evening by leaving work about 30 minutes early since I knew I would be on a tight schedule and I didn't even have any of the food bought yet, I normally would have done that the day before, but it has been a very hectic week with Chris in town and spending time with him, which, though fun, has been very time consuming, and has kept me up late nights. I'll live, but sometime in the next day or so, I really need some very good rest after this weekend.

I met Jake at EB Games and George arived there shortly afterword, we then went straight to the grocery store where I bought 74 dollars worth fo food to cook at the party. That is a record number, or maybe not, and I just don't know it because usually so many people help split the bill(which I absolutely did not want happening last night, my party, my gift to all of my friends), which makes me appreciate them that much more. We got fresh chicken, drinks, potatoes, corn, chips, disposable silverware, jalapenos, cheese and bacon for stuffing the jalapenos, and plenty of other things. Got home and immediately began working hard at getting the food ready for everyone, it sadly didn't come off the grill till 10, and that was because I had some rub already premade from my last grill and it didn't need remaking in order to season the meat.

I also had plenty of help with almost everything, from shucking the corn to skewering the garlic rosemary potatoes. I had bought 4 packages of chicken but only used 2, the other 2 should get used over at Georges house during his bday on wednesday, and it should be really good. Teruwah showed up fairly late, but so much more than welcome, I love my sister, and it's been so long since I've seen her, and she saved my butt by bringing enough rosemary for the potatoes from dad's house, and she got me a really wonderful present, a painting that she did on a very, very tiny canvas, and a manaquin to go with my other one, only much smaller.

Most everyone watched Team America: World Police while I got the food ready, which I was unable to watch, too busy, I'll probably watch it tomorrow or something. I liked what little I caught of it. Also, way later someone brought out Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a really awesome movie from the same guy who did Being John Malkovitch, another really awesome movie, and we watched that. The party didn't start to break up until midnight, and didn't die down completely until 3:30 in the morning. It was so great having almost everyone there. It really made me feel good, and so I have to say it was one of my favorite birthdays ever, and I'm really glad Chris just happened to be back for that.

I also showed everyone the video for Prey from E3, which was totally mind blowing, I'll link to it another day, but it looks like to half life, as half life looked to all other games in 1998.

Anyway, I also played Star Wars: Galaxies right before bed, and created my bothan character Marianas Trench. I'll play some more tomorrow, maybe finally with Zac this time around. Anyway, I'll write about what happened tonight tomorrow, it's been a really long day, I havent gotten to sleep before 5 am since last thursday, and I am in desperate need of rest. Have a good night.

Very very awesome weekend, you already know about Cindarella Man on saturday, on friday though, things ended after hanging out with Chris and Joe by watching the movie Anchorman with Will Ferrel, which made me laugh till my sides hurt. It was physicly painfull to laugh that hard. I shared my hot sauce wealth with Chris. Then, on saturday, I went to dinner at 5 with my Mom, and her Husband, they treated me to a delicious dinner at Asian City's Hibatchi Grill, wich was extremely wonderful and they got me the Steak and Chicken special, and a necklace. I really would write so much more about it except that I have put this off and I am now in a hurry to write it all before I get going to start the festivities for tonight.

After that I picked up Chris and we went to Half Priced Books, where he got a copy of Blood Rayne for him, and an adventure game that I picked up, but don't remember the name of, for me. Then we went to the mall, and hung out, where I bought Star Wars Galaxies, which I, tragically, have yet to play despite it being monday because I have been so busy. We met Zac there, and I got him a birthday cd with the money he gave me to get me glaxies as a present, so consider it a sort of gift exchange where we both get what we want. After that we went to see Cindarella Man, Chris, Zac, Emily, and I, and you know how that went.

Sunday was much the same, with lots of sleeping until it was time to go meet my dad at six in the evening. Mike called me to invite me to go hang out with him and Chris at the mall, but I was asleep when they called. When they finally did get through I told them my phone didn't even get the calls(I thought it hadn't, apparently I checked wrong because later I looked and it showed that it had), and it was too late for me to go. I went straight to my dad's house after playing some Paper Mario, and they gave me my presents, some VERY cool ones I might add. A T-Shirt with the M&M characters done up as Darth Maul, Emperor Palpatine, Vader, and Dooku, that says dare to go to the Dark Side, the star wars Mpire. Awesome shirt, a brush for sauces that has a bottle and feeds the brush, a fresh pepper grinder and fresh peppercorns for it, a stuffed jalapeno holding grill tool in the shape of texas, The Dharma of Star Wars(which is an awesome book on buddism), and an herb garden! I tell you, the herb garden ROCKS... Serranjo peppers, basil, lemon thyme, parsley, sage, orange mint, chives, oregano, and the rosemary they already gave me, plus a shelf that I can raise them on in my porch area! Woohoo! Then they took me to the other nearby hibatchi restaurant, H.B.'s Japanese Steak house, which was equally awesome, I had the orange roughy which was.. so tender it was falling apart. Then after that we talked about herbs and I let them try my Retsina wine, and my meade, which they both loved, I served the meade with a leaf of orange mint in each glass. I am going to love cooking with herbs fresh from my garden, it is one of the coolest gifts ever, and I really love it.

After that I picked up Chris, who made departure plans for thursday, and we went to my house and watched 12 MOnkies which was awesome after getting snacks at Walmart. I got back home after dropping him off afterward around about 4 am, so, again, no time for galaxies, maybe tonight, after the festivities which I will fill you in on tomorrow. Adieu.

I find it interesting that the only feeling I can think of that does not dull after feeling it too much is envy. If anything, the pressence of the object of envy and the prominant feeling of it seems only to make it stronger. Joy, sadness, fear, wonder, all other feelings seem to wane as though they were each a day and that their onset promised nothing more than their end, and that between those two moments, the beginning and the end, anything could happen. But envy... envy can never be satiated, it never wans or fades or grows old. In truth, I loathe my envy, and yet I constantly find new things that seem worthy of it. When I see someone experiencing something for the first time, I envy that they have yet to be dulled to it. I yearn, in my sould, to feel things as though they are always new, even if I have experienced them a thousand times.

This is a wandering thought, but it aslo happens that from time to time, I also feel like my life deserves meaning. Of all the grand ways in which that phrase has been used, I mean to say, value and lasting purpose. Now, certainly many turn to God, or to any number of outside forces to give them purpose, and while I certainly believe that it is totally personal to me whether I believe in God or not(ha! you thought I was going to tell you what I believed! n00b!) but whether or not it matters in the grand scheme of how things work, I believe that my belief matters. Either I believe in God and there is a God, and nothing changes because God was never one to put off planning someone's meaningless demise even though they believed in him, and the same outcome is true if I don't believe in God, and it's also true if I believe, but there is no God, and yet equally true if I don't believe and there is no God. In a way, it's almost bleak to think about it. So, meaning, is what your life is left with when it's over with, what other people get out of it. I want to be a good person, a better person than maybe I really can be. So help me, I will strive for it. I want to be the type of person I dreamed of when I was six, honest to a fault, strong of character, and ambitious. I want to have so much spirit it bursts out of my seams and does things that I should not be capable of doing. I want to make other people's lives better. I think, that should I live to be a thousand and have do nothing for anyone, then I would have been better dying tomorrow for a trivial cause. I expect neither is neccessary.

Extremes always make me wonder. They never seem to be right. I find myself often pondering them and even supporting them in favor of alternatives, but always in retrospect I discover that I don't really support them. There is not always a correct course of action, often this comes when no matter what you do, someone suffers. I love hypothetical situations in that they can make you feel like crap over things that would never happen. Such as, if it rested on your shoulders would you save 1 million people, or 5 hundred thousand people among whom was someone you loved, such as your mother, or your father or your wife or your child, or would you through inacction allow 1 million 5 hundred thousand to die?

It will never happen, you will never have to make that decision, but it drives you nuts in the emotional catch of the problem.

I have also been thinking, that nothing done through anger or hatred is done well. I certainly still believe that often things must die, and that it is still essential that often people are thrown into such conflict that they must fight and maybe die for what they believe is right or for what they want, but, I believe that it can be done with passion that is not driven through anger or hatred. Necessity is a far more powerful motivation than anything else I can imagine, as well as a wall. It may look passionless when it's done, on the surface, often someone doing something unusual, or particularly important would seem to be cold and distant. I think, that this is a most incredible act, to seperate yourself from everything you feel about what you're doing, and do only what you have to. I could imagine just as much damage being done out of love as I can out of hate, as Robert Frost put it, Fire or Ice. One wonders though, if it's the same event, why does anyone care how it happens?

I saw Cindarella Man tonight, and I thought it was a really beautiful movie, I shed a single tear from each eye right before the final fight started I was so moved by the plight and attitude of Jim. It was inspiring and it made me do a lot of thinking and pondering and poetic lines flowed through my head. This is certainly going to stew inside of me for a long time. Anyway, I don't normally do saturday updates, but I was particularly inspired. It's very late, so have a good night.

Well, I'm looking forward to some very cool things this weekend, and I have my birthday party on monday. Things should get pretty interesting. Tonight I'll be seeing Cindarella Man with Chris. Maybe. If he bother's to call. He's in town till wednesday and then I may not see him for 6 months or 2 years. Frankly, it will be a crime if he doesn't show up at my birthday. But he's invited, and it's his crime to comit. Anyway, I'm going to have a good time, one way or another. Adieu.

Played Paper Mario all day. I really enjoyed it, and I had some really good convos and even had some people comment on my poetry. Makes me want to write more. But I don't know if it would express as much feeling.



The tall grass acted as a curtain all around Brutus as he marched out into the field, a fellow soldier on either side, each only a few feet away, and yet for that they might as well have been a million miles away given the thickness of the tall green but yellowing blades. The flickering orange shades of the setting sun fading as the glints on his well polished and cared for armour as he marches forward, listening to the harsh rustling on either side as he tries to keep pace, a growing sense of uneasiness swelling in his chest with each forward step, the looming pressence of many fellow officers, the haunting question of what they were running from...

Started this weekend out with a bbq that my dad and his wife were invited to. It was really nice, I got all the food done on time, had to cook late, so everyone ended up eating at nine, since friday was the only possible day to do it with my dad, and I didn't get home till 7:30. Well, I was shocked and awed to find out that Chris was in town from the army and had just gotten back earlier that day, so I rushed over and picked him up and brought him back to eat and hang out, Mike showed up and everything was fun. The food was awesome, and I liked talking with everyone, but I forgot to let dad try my wines and orange cognac.

Despite all plans, saturday ended up just doing nothing all day long, except playing Paper Mario, which happens to be an extremely cool game, which I would like to own.

Later in the evening I went over to Chris' house and we watched Escape from New York, an aweful movie, if ever there was one. After that I went to sleep kindof early. On sunday, I got the parts to fix Tera's computer, and I took Chris to Fry's, though he wasn't happy about not going to see Star Wars, I had forgotten to tell him we were grilling instead. Anyway, we took him home after grocery shopping, and then, we got totally rained out, I'm talking flooded out of grilling, I didn't even go over to Marcia's house to do anything.

On monday, I relaxed, played lots more Paper Mario, and then went and checked Mike's house, and fixed Tera's computer, then off to a bbq at Marcia's family's house with Jackson, and then from there, to swimming at Marcia's complex. Tons of fun. Then, at 9:30 Zac gave me a call and asked me to go meet him for dinner, so funny, he was with a friend at Hooters, they had never been and decided to randomly try it out, the perves. They managed to offend the waitress before I even got there. I tried the wings just to see if they were worth it, they weren't, but I got to talk about star wars all night long, which was totally kick ass. After that I went home, and, you guessed it, played Paper Mario all night.

Then, last night, I had a midnight grill, started cooking the food at 12:30, ate at 1:00 am, it was delicious chicken, I LOVED it. Jake was the only one who came for it.