It turns out that Microsoft sabotaged their own installer to download and backup from via online, and will only provide that service for 99$ as part of an extended warranty of the 40$ upgrade I did for Windows just back in January.
Back to piracy. Look, in 2 seconds I found a functioning installer for Win 8 that I spent a hour trying to find legitimately for the product I paid for.
That's my lesson for paying Microsoft a dime of my money. Never again.
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